Broken But Not Beaten

Written by Sterling Mire

Today, Paulina Porizkova in a rare interview, poured her heart out on CBS’S Sunday News show over the recent loss of her ex husband, front man for the rock group The Cars, Ric Ocasek, coupled with the devastating shock of betrayal having been written out of his final will after 30 years of marriage.

My empathy for what she is currently going through encouraged me to write about my own devastating divorce and betrayal. Watching her interview today conjured up memories of my past “confront and regroup” days where I generously and lovingly give myself space to continue to recover and heal from the unexpected and abrupt divorce that turned my life upside down. I mean, I was blissfully married to the “love of my life”. What I had created in my marriage was perfect and ideal for me. I used to jokingly say that if I had a magic wand throw it away unused – that’s how perfect my marriage was. Up to our very last days together we laughed, sang songs, affectionately and lovingly ended our nights together. So what went “wrong” you may ask.

Although I was thrilled with my married life it doesn’t guarantee my husband would feel the same. He was exceptionally good at hiding his own inner demons. He was struggling with his own personal journey through life. Dissatisfied and desperate for change, he threw everything in his life out, including me, (and I mean everything except a cell phone and computer). In a desperate attempt to bring about the much sought-after change, overwrought with anxiety and confusion, he made a cross country move in an effort to simplify and start fresh. It’s easy for us human beings to lose perspective and sometimes act hastily when we feel it’s our last resort. Although now, with a little breathing space and clear perspective, it now occurs to him that divorce may not have held the answers. But, hindsight is 20/20.

Transitioning from a loss is a process. If we allow ourselves to accept the process, it will be a much easier and smoother ride.

Let it be what it is. I am a firm believer that we must not allow our feelings to dominate our lives, yet we also cannot dismiss them away or distract ourselves with a number of escapisms that are at our fingertips. Taking a day to ourselves to cry, write in a journal, talk to a friend or family member, listen to an inspirational podcast, watch something uplifting or read articles like this one, and my personal favorite: ending the re-alignment day with a Release Letter exercise. The Release Letter exercise is something I created for myself that I share with my clients. The healing and shift it provides powerfully allows for the negative energies to be released. We then are free from the stranglehold it has over our lives and us. It can be used to transform any disempowering relationship that is holding us back from living our version of an ideal life. Whether that relationship is in the form of a person, an experience or even an object, such as finances.

Our lives are made up of relationships and although it may not be obvious at first glance, we have a relationship to everything. The experiences we have and the outcomes we produce are reflective of these relationships that produce our lives. It directly impacts our lives and plays a vital part in what occurs in our lives.

Taking time out to lounge around in bed going wherever our emotions lead us is hardly indulgent in the scheme of things yet it is just that: indulgent, which is beneficial for the healing process.

If we immerse ourselves fully in the process we are confronting fully, purging fully and this allows us to bounce back into our lives and continue living, moving and growing our lives and ourselves forward into the future as we deal with our past.

The healing process is a dance. Three steps forward, two steps back all the while making progress. Progress is the only thing to focus on. If we step back and look at our lives as an observer, the question to ask ourselves is: are we making progress overall? This is the most important question versus asking, “How long this process will take?”. It will take however long it takes and if we are effectively making progress, that is all that matters. And it is perfect, however long that is.

The emotional healing process is much like the physical healing process. Liken it to healing a broken ankle. You may experience steady, albeit slow progress only to awake one morning feeling like you’ve slid back and your ankle feels worse than ever. You have not only feel you’ve stepped back in your progress (no pun intended) but you then experience frustration and confusion over what appears to be a setback. Remembering the three steps forward two steps backward analogy helps to keep things in perspective. It only appears you are going backward because it’s easy to lose sight of that one step that you take forward each time you move two steps back.

Because of the work I do and teach, I thankfully got to bypass a lot of the pain and suffering (and additional healing) that often accompanies loss.

It comes in the form of regrets, questioning ones’ own self worth and doubts about choices made in the past. Those are huge obstacles to overcome and are actually optional. You must not choose to over-burden yourself by being too overly critical. You were probably doing the best you could with what you knew at that time. When we examine our choices and behavior with an objective eye versus judgmental. We can learn from our past experiences. This is a great gift to carry with us into our future!

Showing ourselves some compassion helps us to then focus on the challenge of change when dealing with loss. Although losing something you never wanted to live without is the most challenging, however, even desired change can also come with its own set of challenges due to what I call “the change factor”. Positive change can conjure up fear of moving into uncharted territory and the unfamiliar and unpredictable can be a harrowing experience for many. Yet, if we are equipped with tools for change it can be an exhilarating and inspiring period that lifts and carries us into the future with great anticipation, excitement and security.

My AOM (Art of Manifestation) work also allowed me to see his choice to leave was not a reflection of me. In fact, I was able to see so clearly from the first day of separation that I supported his decision. I could see the pain he was finally revealing to me and wanted him to work out his personal issues the best way he knew how: on his own. I stood by him and was there for him, as a friend. He showed his appreciation by consistently showering me with cards he sent to me ever generous with acknowledgments and love. Yes, love. The love was never absent. We continue to talk almost daily supporting one another as friends. He is my most trusted confidante and I even talk to him about my grieving process, never projecting blame onto him for anything. I know I am responsible for my own happiness and experiences in my life. I know I am cherished and valued deeply by him.

Sterling and Stephen’s wedding day

If it wasn’t for the AOM work we would have parted paralyzed by betrayal, anger, hatred, bitterness, irreconcilable sorrow and certainly void of love.

We often move ahead in life with this “baggage” and rather unconsciously expect the next person to fix our past situation and our broken hearts. However, the next person to take his/her place will never heal our pain for they had nothing to do with the creation of that pain. Actually, not even the person who was the catalyst for our pain can heal us. We are the only ones who can heal our pain because we are the only ones who created it.

Be kind to yourself as you heal. You don’t have to go through this period alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are tools and steps you can take to not only overcome the struggle of accepting loss but can even allow you to soar to greater heights of living than you’ve ever imagined!

I am now out of the “limbo” phase of coming to terms with my loss and I am now experiencing my created, blooming and inspiring future; which includes my richly reinvented, love-filled relationship with my ex-husband.

I’ve graduated from the frequent rollercoaster of emotions that inherently comes with the early stages of grieving a loss. Now, I keep things in balance and stay in my authentic, empowered place with my morning ritual so I can live fully, courageously, joyously, gratefully and powerfully on a daily basis. This allows me to jump into my day knowing that I am creating magic and miracles, and I absolutely LOVE IT! After all, periodically we do this to our living space, why wouldn’t we do the same with our lives? Setting aside time to “take the trash” out of our lives that we’ve accumulated along the way is a healthy choice to restore peace, clarity, freedom and balance.

As I take a bird’s eye view of the past three healing years to gain a perspective of how I progressed during this transitory period, I am extraordinarily pleased with my life and myself.

I see how I didn’t hold my life hostage and spiral down (as the old me would have) but instead I balanced the healing process with the growth of my life. I wrote my intended book, nurtured and expanded my business, took some illuminating and fun travels, made some new friends along the way and discovered I actually have 20 close friends that really care about me, that I can count on to be there for me if need be. I also discovered how the AOM system had generously transformed my life more than I had ever realized making the biggest loss I had ever encountered an empowering experience through the understanding, clarity and tools it provides.

In time you too can look back at this arduous period with a sense of strength and accomplishment having discovered how strong you really are and knowing that going forward you can transform anything that comes with living this human life.

For more stories and shares about how to transform and heal visit: https://getyourlifenow.com/testimonials/

How To Get What We Want! (Not What We Don’t Want!)

Starry, starry night….Wish upon a star

Written by Sterling Mire

When we are preoccupied with worries about the future, we are actually helping bring those fear-based thoughts into reality.

When we say or think to ourselves what we don’t want versus what we do want, we are breathing life into the very thing we are trying to avoid. It’s been ingrained in us to push, fight and resist against the things we do not desire in order to bring forth that which we do desire. We were actually taught the opposite of what we should be doing to bring the desirable into our lives and keep the undesirable out of our lives. This is why we tend to obsess about what we are trying to avoid.

I always emphasize, when working with clients, that the key to creating and ushering in our heart-felt deep desires is by first allowing, not resisting, what is currently our situation. What we resist persists.

This is one of the essential keys to manifesting.  Without it we will just be spinning our wheels, going nowhere fast. For instance, if we are feeling financially pinched, yet we desire abundance, we must first acknowledge, “what is so” and accept it, without making it bad or wrong. When we are simply able to accept it as the current circumstance, without creating stories around it, we are exercising non-resistance, therefore, we stop the persistence of the situation, in this case it’s scarcity. Now that we have stopped the “growth” of scarcity, we now have a clearing, a space, for creating that which we do want: abundance. Now, abundance has the space to not only be created, but to flourish! 

Can you list some of the things you would like to have or experience in your life that seems to be eluding you? Occurs to be unattainable? Can you identify what you are resisting about that situation? 

Consider this: everything you want wants YOU! There is nothing in this world that is standing in your way. No circumstances, no people, no hindrances, limitations or constraints that you have not created yourself, consciously or unconsciously. If you are the only one blocking you from experiencing your ideal life, then the good news is you are the only one who can change all of that! When we consciously create, we can move mountains in seconds and achieve each and every one of our utmost heart’s desires easily, effortlessly and joyously! Once you’ve tapped into this magical realm you’ll be completely amazed at how life actually works and how so much of what you previously understood was actually backwards.

And, consider that you can have everything your wildest imagination can think up and that you already possess everything you need. All you need now are the tools and know-how to tap into your version of heaven on earth!

5 Ways to Let Go of Pain - Be Free!

                                                                                Written By Sterling Mire

Giving something up can be the way to having everything.

Let’s face it – life hurts. There is no human being on the planet that hasn’t experienced emotional pain and/or trauma.

It’s an awful experience. Yes, agreed.

So, there is pain and what you do with pain is what is most important. Wouldn’t you rather be living your life fully again? Enjoying all that is wonderful and awe-inspiring or be stopped by the past incident that cannot be undone and continue suffering over it? No one truly wants to suffer so let’s explore the alternative.

Putting the blame on others is a seemingly easy enough way to handle the situation. We feel like someone let us down or did us wrong and we are owed an apology. We think they need to “own up” to what they did.

Blaming others and not taking responsibility for ourselves is the fastest way to being powerless in our lives and leaves us stuck with anger, resentment and no resolving of the pain we feel. Yes, you have valid feelings. It’s important to acknowledge them and express them fully but put a limit on how long you feel them. You can even say to yourself, “For the next 15-30 minutes I am going to cry my eyes out, write in my diary or say out loud how I feel and feel it 100% and then I am going to move forward with my day/night”. Getting into the habit of indulging in your grief is a vicious cycle. Remember, you are the one hurting more than the other person if you continue to “live” your pain over and over. It’s a balance. A balance of embracing what’s there for you to express and putting it away for the rest of the day or preferably resolving it and moving on.

5 Ways to Move Through Pain

The pathway to happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction in your life is to make room for it. If you are full of sadness, anger, bitterness how can the opposite show up for you?

1. Make a choice to let go

Things do not resolve themselves without you choosing it. If you avoid making a conscious effort to move on you could be setting yourself up to continue to keep the pain alive and drag it around in your life and even effecting your outer world in a negative way.

Choosing to let it go also means you are accepting that you have the choice to do so. You can decide to stop playing the story over and over in your mind every time you think of that person.

2. As mentioned before, an important step to moving on is expressing your pain. Find ways that are satisfying and healthy. Experiment with the tips mentioned above. Find a great listener, someone who you look up to.

Even though you may not have had the same amount of responsibility for the pain you’ve experienced, look to see what you are responsible for. What can you learn from this experience and do differently in the future? Choosing to be less free and trusting is not necessarily a great choice versus being more aware of what is actually being communicated before all hurt broke loose. Learn to really understand and get to know people before “jumping in”. The most successful relationships were built as friendships where mutual respect and admiration can grow. Consider taking communication classes. Ultimately, will you choose to become wiser from the experience or a victim?

3. Don’t choose to be a victim, choose to be a winning warrior

Being a victim can feel pretty good. We don’t have to take responsibility or take a good look at ourselves. But being a victim is like donning a costume of a decrepit zombie and that is just not who we authentically are. Your feelings are worthy but when we allow ourselves to wallow in them it becomes at the expense of everyone else in the world and we all matter – equally.

The good news is that we have a choice in every given moment. We can continue to feel bad about someone else’s actions (or lack of actions) or decide to feel GOOD! Taking responsibility for your own happiness is power and giving your power over to someone else to determine how you feel is absurd. No amount of obsessively thinking about a painful situation has ever fixed a relationship issue. So why choose it?

4. Be Here Now – In the Present Moment

Do you really know what it feels like to be powerfully present in the now? How liberating, freeing and just good it feels? Here’s an exercise that will help you get related to reality – now.

Either out loud or in your head notice 5 things you hear (if there are not five you can repeat something). Now, 5 things you see and 5 things you physically feel. Repeat the same exercise working your way down to 1.  5-4-3-2-1. When you’ve completed the exercise notice how you feel, your surroundings and your thoughts. Suddenly reality has taken over your imaginings.

5. Forgive Them as Well as Yourself

Perhaps we won’t forget someone’s poor behavior, but everyone is deserving of our forgiveness, including ourselves. Sometimes getting trapped in pain makes it occur like forgiveness isn’t an option, yet it is. Forgiveness is empathy and empathy connects us to the beauty, love and laughter in life. Accepting “what is” doesn’t mean you are agreeing with what happened. That it is ok to happen again and again and again but that it is ok that it happened once. Forgiveness is a true sign of strength because that is actually where strength comes from.

Forgiving yourself is just as important. Identify what you said to yourself about yourself after the breakdown occurred. That is what you want to forgive yourself for. For inventing and taking on a lie as if it is truth. Anything disempowering is inauthentic to who we truly are. Create something new, the truth, to live by.

Although letting go takes an effort. It requires us to be courageous, to be committed to our happiness and health. Everyday you hold on to pain is another day lost to it. Go ahead. You can do it. Choose to implement these exercises in your life and set yourself, and everyone else, free!

* * *

What Did I Do?

By Sterling Mire

Many times what people say or do to us has nothing to do with us at all.

Have you ever had the experience where what someone does or says doesn’t seem to jibe with what is actually going on? Yet, we take their behavior personally and make it mean something disempowering about us leaving us confused, hurt and disappointed. It’s helpful to remember: people are more connected to their past experiences versus the experiences they would like to have in their future.  That past can be what just happened 5 minutes prior or as far back as childhood. Taking things personally without taking a moment to think about where they could be coming from takes us off path.

We also have to be responsible for what we do and say. Could what we said or did provoke a particular response? If our intentions are benign but misunderstood, then we can apologize and clarify what we mean to the other person. If they refuse to forgive and hear the value in what we are trying to convey then we can walk away feeling satisfied with the responsibility and the action we took to remedy the situation. We can also see that there is something that person is personally dealing with that may have absolutely nothing to do with us but what they are struggling with in their own life. Be compassionate and loving and move on. We are all dealing with something in life. We are all evolving and being given the opportunity to grow and growth comes from our relationships. If this is a relationship that we are committed to, then we take move on by taking responsibility of our communications and distinguish if there is anything else we can do to help. Sometimes just being clear in our communications is all there is for us to do. We need to just give the other person some space to be with the situation and gain the understanding and clarity within themselves.

When you shift your attention to the bigger picture you may then notice that there was nothing you did that was inappropriate and can choose to not take it personally leaving you free of feeling attacked or blaming yourself for something that didn’t have anything to do with you. It’s up to you to retain your self-worth while knowing you are taking responsibility for your words and actions. This is the best way to live an empowered and satisfying life!

Do People Really Make Us Happy?

It appears that people can make us feel a range of emotions; happy, sad, angry, frustrated, euphoric, disappointed, depressed and the list goes on. The truth is this is an illusion. We live in a society that has convinced us that happiness lies outside of us, within our environment and through the things we accumulate. Here is a perfect example of how we have learned this way of understanding life’s happiness. A mother sees her young child crying. The mother enthusiastically offers the child a cookie. The child then seeing his/her mother smiling (happy) makes the association with the cookie as an object that possesses happiness. We could take it a bit further and look at how the cookie has an effect on the child’s brain reinforcing the idea of where happiness lies. Let’s look at the effect of the sugar in the cookie. Sugar is known to light up the reward pathways and cause a surge of feel-good hormones, like dopamine, to be released. As a result, we feel good and “happy”. The child easily confuses the cookie, or any other thing the child learns to associate with happiness, as where happiness lies.

People’s Energy DOES Have an Effect On Us

True. We are all energy. We transmit energy. We receive energy. Yet, energy changes all the time so if someone’s happy and we feel the effects of it we begin to associate thatthat is where happiness lies. We begin to confuse, once again, where happiness lives. “That person makes me happy!” or “That person makes me upset”. It may not be that we consciously want to blame or hold someone accountable for our state of being. It could be that we simply are confused as to where happiness truly is.

Taking Responsibility

Taking responsibility for how we feel is one of the most valuable lessons we can learn in life. Choosing how we feel is a conscious action. We must be fully aware to make this choice. Noticing how we feel is the first step. To choose how we want to feel in a way that is authentic and actually works is to first allow what is so to be. To simply allow it to exist. Allowing is not agreeing. Allowing is allowing. Once we allow what is, then we can make a conscious choice to choose how we want to feel. Once you choose an empowering emotion, take a moment to connect to what that feels like. Experience it fully. Maybe think of a happy memory and relive it. Embrace the feeling and let it wash over you and sink in. Then proceed with your life. It is quite simple but where people go wrong in choosing their emotions is leaving out the acceptance, allowing something to be as it is. What is surprising is that whatever undesirable emotion was being experienced will simply take care of itself and disappear.

True Happiness

Happiness is our birthright. Happiness is a skill. Like all skills, it must be practiced. When you have true happiness within, you are totally fulfilled and the things you engage in are not perceived as a pathway to lead you to happiness but an adventure you can embrace fearlessly with joy and out of the sheer excitement of being alive!

To discover more about happiness, I recommend a current documentary on NetFlix simply titled: “Happiness”. Filmmaker Roko Belic travels to more than a dozen countries, searching for the meaning of happiness.

Sterling is a celebrated professional life coach and a nationally published author. She works with clients all over the world. Her practice is located in Beverly Hills. For more information, please visit: www.intuitivelifebysterling.com www.getyourlifenow.com