Broken But Not Beaten
/Written by Sterling Mire
Today, Paulina Porizkova in a rare interview, poured her heart out on CBS’S Sunday News show over the recent loss of her ex husband, front man for the rock group The Cars, Ric Ocasek, coupled with the devastating shock of betrayal having been written out of his final will after 30 years of marriage.
My empathy for what she is currently going through encouraged me to write about my own devastating divorce and betrayal. Watching her interview today conjured up memories of my past “confront and regroup” days where I generously and lovingly give myself space to continue to recover and heal from the unexpected and abrupt divorce that turned my life upside down. I mean, I was blissfully married to the “love of my life”. What I had created in my marriage was perfect and ideal for me. I used to jokingly say that if I had a magic wand throw it away unused – that’s how perfect my marriage was. Up to our very last days together we laughed, sang songs, affectionately and lovingly ended our nights together. So what went “wrong” you may ask.
Although I was thrilled with my married life it doesn’t guarantee my husband would feel the same. He was exceptionally good at hiding his own inner demons. He was struggling with his own personal journey through life. Dissatisfied and desperate for change, he threw everything in his life out, including me, (and I mean everything except a cell phone and computer). In a desperate attempt to bring about the much sought-after change, overwrought with anxiety and confusion, he made a cross country move in an effort to simplify and start fresh. It’s easy for us human beings to lose perspective and sometimes act hastily when we feel it’s our last resort. Although now, with a little breathing space and clear perspective, it now occurs to him that divorce may not have held the answers. But, hindsight is 20/20.
Transitioning from a loss is a process. If we allow ourselves to accept the process, it will be a much easier and smoother ride.
Let it be what it is. I am a firm believer that we must not allow our feelings to dominate our lives, yet we also cannot dismiss them away or distract ourselves with a number of escapisms that are at our fingertips. Taking a day to ourselves to cry, write in a journal, talk to a friend or family member, listen to an inspirational podcast, watch something uplifting or read articles like this one, and my personal favorite: ending the re-alignment day with a Release Letter exercise. The Release Letter exercise is something I created for myself that I share with my clients. The healing and shift it provides powerfully allows for the negative energies to be released. We then are free from the stranglehold it has over our lives and us. It can be used to transform any disempowering relationship that is holding us back from living our version of an ideal life. Whether that relationship is in the form of a person, an experience or even an object, such as finances.
Our lives are made up of relationships and although it may not be obvious at first glance, we have a relationship to everything. The experiences we have and the outcomes we produce are reflective of these relationships that produce our lives. It directly impacts our lives and plays a vital part in what occurs in our lives.
Taking time out to lounge around in bed going wherever our emotions lead us is hardly indulgent in the scheme of things yet it is just that: indulgent, which is beneficial for the healing process.
If we immerse ourselves fully in the process we are confronting fully, purging fully and this allows us to bounce back into our lives and continue living, moving and growing our lives and ourselves forward into the future as we deal with our past.
The healing process is a dance. Three steps forward, two steps back all the while making progress. Progress is the only thing to focus on. If we step back and look at our lives as an observer, the question to ask ourselves is: are we making progress overall? This is the most important question versus asking, “How long this process will take?”. It will take however long it takes and if we are effectively making progress, that is all that matters. And it is perfect, however long that is.
The emotional healing process is much like the physical healing process. Liken it to healing a broken ankle. You may experience steady, albeit slow progress only to awake one morning feeling like you’ve slid back and your ankle feels worse than ever. You have not only feel you’ve stepped back in your progress (no pun intended) but you then experience frustration and confusion over what appears to be a setback. Remembering the three steps forward two steps backward analogy helps to keep things in perspective. It only appears you are going backward because it’s easy to lose sight of that one step that you take forward each time you move two steps back.
Because of the work I do and teach, I thankfully got to bypass a lot of the pain and suffering (and additional healing) that often accompanies loss.
It comes in the form of regrets, questioning ones’ own self worth and doubts about choices made in the past. Those are huge obstacles to overcome and are actually optional. You must not choose to over-burden yourself by being too overly critical. You were probably doing the best you could with what you knew at that time. When we examine our choices and behavior with an objective eye versus judgmental. We can learn from our past experiences. This is a great gift to carry with us into our future!
Showing ourselves some compassion helps us to then focus on the challenge of change when dealing with loss. Although losing something you never wanted to live without is the most challenging, however, even desired change can also come with its own set of challenges due to what I call “the change factor”. Positive change can conjure up fear of moving into uncharted territory and the unfamiliar and unpredictable can be a harrowing experience for many. Yet, if we are equipped with tools for change it can be an exhilarating and inspiring period that lifts and carries us into the future with great anticipation, excitement and security.
My AOM (Art of Manifestation) work also allowed me to see his choice to leave was not a reflection of me. In fact, I was able to see so clearly from the first day of separation that I supported his decision. I could see the pain he was finally revealing to me and wanted him to work out his personal issues the best way he knew how: on his own. I stood by him and was there for him, as a friend. He showed his appreciation by consistently showering me with cards he sent to me ever generous with acknowledgments and love. Yes, love. The love was never absent. We continue to talk almost daily supporting one another as friends. He is my most trusted confidante and I even talk to him about my grieving process, never projecting blame onto him for anything. I know I am responsible for my own happiness and experiences in my life. I know I am cherished and valued deeply by him.
Sterling and Stephen’s wedding day
If it wasn’t for the AOM work we would have parted paralyzed by betrayal, anger, hatred, bitterness, irreconcilable sorrow and certainly void of love.
We often move ahead in life with this “baggage” and rather unconsciously expect the next person to fix our past situation and our broken hearts. However, the next person to take his/her place will never heal our pain for they had nothing to do with the creation of that pain. Actually, not even the person who was the catalyst for our pain can heal us. We are the only ones who can heal our pain because we are the only ones who created it.
Be kind to yourself as you heal. You don’t have to go through this period alone. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There are tools and steps you can take to not only overcome the struggle of accepting loss but can even allow you to soar to greater heights of living than you’ve ever imagined!
I am now out of the “limbo” phase of coming to terms with my loss and I am now experiencing my created, blooming and inspiring future; which includes my richly reinvented, love-filled relationship with my ex-husband.
I’ve graduated from the frequent rollercoaster of emotions that inherently comes with the early stages of grieving a loss. Now, I keep things in balance and stay in my authentic, empowered place with my morning ritual so I can live fully, courageously, joyously, gratefully and powerfully on a daily basis. This allows me to jump into my day knowing that I am creating magic and miracles, and I absolutely LOVE IT! After all, periodically we do this to our living space, why wouldn’t we do the same with our lives? Setting aside time to “take the trash” out of our lives that we’ve accumulated along the way is a healthy choice to restore peace, clarity, freedom and balance.
As I take a bird’s eye view of the past three healing years to gain a perspective of how I progressed during this transitory period, I am extraordinarily pleased with my life and myself.
I see how I didn’t hold my life hostage and spiral down (as the old me would have) but instead I balanced the healing process with the growth of my life. I wrote my intended book, nurtured and expanded my business, took some illuminating and fun travels, made some new friends along the way and discovered I actually have 20 close friends that really care about me, that I can count on to be there for me if need be. I also discovered how the AOM system had generously transformed my life more than I had ever realized making the biggest loss I had ever encountered an empowering experience through the understanding, clarity and tools it provides.
In time you too can look back at this arduous period with a sense of strength and accomplishment having discovered how strong you really are and knowing that going forward you can transform anything that comes with living this human life.
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